There's a guy sitting at the bar and he is just shit-faced! . Luckily, he lives right next door. It gets to be about 1:00 in the morning and his drunk ass decides he better get home. So he stands up out of his bar stool and Splats face first right on the ground because he's so drunk. So he thinks to himself, if I can just make it to the front door.. I could crawl home from here! So he crawls to the front door and pulls himself up with the bars, opens the door and falls flat on his face again! He crawls all the way home. When he gets there he pulls himself up on the couch and passes out. The next morning his wife comes downstairs and says, Jim.. you got drunk again last night didn't you? He said, no honey, I was watching TV late and I didn't want to wake you up so I slept on the couch! She said, oh bullshit, they called from next door.. you left your wheelchair over there again!

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop." Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord." the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord" and the horse is running. Now Bill sees the cliff and says: "AMEN." The horse stops and Bill says: "Whew! Praise the lord!"

The Greeks vs. the Italians
A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.
The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”
The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”
The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says…. “We invented sex!”
The Italian nods slowly, thinks, and replies, “That is true—but it was Italians who introduced it to women!”